"When I don't want to continue my extracurricular activities anymore."—Many parents struggle with how to respond when their child says this. Should they insist on perseverance, or should they respect their child's wishes? In this article, we asked education researcher Risa Soya, who is also the editor-in-chief of an educational media outlet, to share insights on how parents should approach this situation. What distinguishes a "good parent" from a "toxic parent"? This article is filled with valuable tips for parents wondering when the right time is to let their child quit an extracurricular activity.
Japanese Parents Tend to Resist the Idea of "Quitting"
"Perseverance is power." "Three years on a rock."—These are traditional Japanese proverbs.
In Japan, the concept of persistence is often seen as a virtue, and the language reflects this with many words related to "endurance," "patience," and "perseverance."
Conversely, quitting something too soon after starting is often criticized as "lacking perseverance" or "developing a habit of giving up."
This mindset may stem from Japan’s long history as an agricultural society. Until modern times, most Japanese people were farmers, and their livelihoods depended on enduring rain and wind to cultivate crops. The idea that perseverance leads to a fruitful harvest might be ingrained in their collective consciousness.
Because of this perspective, many parents find it difficult to accept the idea of their child quitting an extracurricular activity once they have started. Of course, persistence is important, and there are benefits to seeing things through. However, quitting is not always a bad thing.
Sometimes, stopping one thing is necessary to start something new, and in some cases, continuing an activity may actually have a negative impact on a child's growth.
Why Do Children Want to Quit Extracurricular Activities?
According to a survey conducted by a major Japanese education company, the most common reason children quit extracurricular activities was simply because they said they wanted to stop.
The reasons behind their decision included the following:
Positive Reasons Why Children Want to Quit Extracurricular Activities
They have developed a higher priority for something else, such as schoolwork or studies.
- They have achieved their goal or reached the level they were aiming for.
- They want to start a new extracurricular activity or try something different.
Negative Reasons Why Children Want to Quit Extracurricular Activities
The activity does not suit their interests or abilities.
- The lesson content or goals do not match their needs (e.g., it is too easy or too difficult).
- They feel they are not as skilled as their peers.
- They find it boring or want more free time.
- They do not get along with the instructor.
- The location or schedule makes it difficult to attend.
- They did not choose to start the activity themselves in the first place.
Reference:
Eikoh Seminar - Survey on Extracurricular Activities for Elementary, Middle, and High School Students
https://www.eikoh.co.jp/news/torikumi/p143062/
Nifty - Survey on Extracurricular Activities
https://prtimes.jp/main/html/rd/p/000000366.000023383.html
Should Children Quit or Continue Extracurricular Activities? Key Factors to Consider
When a child says they want to quit an extracurricular activity, how should parents decide whether they should continue or stop? Here are some key factors to consider.
When It's Better Not to Quit Right Away
The child still has a desire to continue deep down.
Sometimes, children temporarily lose motivation or feel discouraged due to failure or an unpleasant experience. However, if they still have a genuine desire to continue, parents should not let them quit immediately. Instead, they should provide support to help resolve the issue.
They are facing a necessary challenge for growth.
As children grow, they will encounter challenges—whether it's difficult practice, struggling with a new skill, or suddenly hitting a plateau after steady progress. In such cases, it is important for parents to work closely with the instructor to help the child overcome these obstacles. However, this approach should only be taken if the child still has the desire to continue.
When It's Better to Quit
The extracurricular activity is causing significant mental or physical stress.
If the activity itself, its goals, or the instructor is causing the child serious distress, parents should first try to address the issue by discussing it with the instructor. However, if the problem cannot be resolved and the child strongly wishes to quit, it is best to stop immediately. Forcing them to continue could hinder their healthy development.
If the child likes the activity but not the specific class or instructor, switching to a different class while continuing the same activity is also an option.
The child has a clear interest in something else.
If the child has a strong desire to pursue another activity, it may be best to quit and allow them to focus on their new interest. It goes without saying that doing what they truly enjoy will lead to greater happiness and growth.
A common concern among parents is, "What if they quit and then want to stop their next activity too?" However, even if that happens, the experience of trying something they wanted to do is never wasted. It fosters a spirit of challenge and broadens their experiences.
How to Support Your Child When They Want to Quit an Extracurricular Activity【A Good Parent's Approach】
When a child is considering quitting an extracurricular activity, here are some parenting approaches that can support their growth.
Have an Open Conversation to Understand Their True Feelings
The most important factor when deciding whether to quit or continue an activity is your child’s feelings.
Some children may continue out of habit or simply to meet their parents’ expectations, even if they no longer enjoy it.
Take the time to talk with your child, understand their true feelings, and respect their decision.
Discuss the Pros and Cons of Quitting Together
While your child's opinion is important, they may lack the experience to foresee potential regrets.
Help them weigh the benefits and drawbacks of quitting, ensuring they won’t regret their decision later.
If quitting causes inconvenience for the family, be mindful not to make your child feel guilty about it.
Encourage a Positive Outlook and Explore New Interests
Life is long, and finding something they truly enjoy is more valuable than forcing them to continue an unwanted activity.
If they don’t have a new interest yet, support them in exploring different possibilities together. This way, both parent and child can take a positive step forward.
What NOT to Do【A Toxic Parent’s Approach】
When a child is considering quitting an extracurricular activity, here are some parenting approaches that can hinder their growth.
Forcing your own dreams or ideals on your child
Phrases like "You should keep going just because you started" or "Perseverance is always valuable" should not be forced onto your child.
Even if such principles helped you in the past, they may not apply to your child’s current situation.
Stay objective and make the decision together.
Projecting Your Own Dreams or Expectations
Statements like "I love ballet" or "I wanted to be a pianist" can lead to parents pushing their own dreams or ideals onto their children. This kind of pressure can lower a child's self-esteem.
A child's life belongs to them, not their parents. It's important to respect the dreams and ideals that your child has for themselves.
Saying Things Like “We’ve Invested So Much Time And Money”
Bringing up the time or money you’ve spent to blame your child is a definite no.
Mentioning things that are out of your child’s control only leads to guilt and pressure.
It’s natural to think “What a waste to quit now,” but it may be even more of a waste for your child to keep doing something they don’t actually enjoy, just out of obligation or force.
What’s More Important Than Continuing an Activity?
The idea that "there’s value in continuing something" runs deep in Japanese culture.
However, the belief that "I just kept pushing through and eventually succeeded" is often a case of survivorship bias, and shouldn't be applied unconditionally.
Most parents probably enroll their children in extracurricular activities because they want them to live happy and fulfilling lives.
But if a child is made to continue something they don’t truly want to do, and the long hours spent on that activity don’t contribute to their happiness, wouldn’t that be missing the point?
If your child decides to quit one activity and start a new one, there’s something we highly recommend trying.
That is, rather than waiting for your child to say they want to quit, make it a habit to regularly sit down together and reflect on the activity.
Talk about things like "how has it been going so far?" "what did you enjoy?" "what was difficult?"—and based on those discussions, consider whether to continue or to stop and try something else. These conversations can be a great opportunity to make decisions together.
Today, kids have way more options than their parents did when it comes to extracurricular activities. There’s also the option of simply spending time on what they personally want to pursue, even outside of structured lessons.
Is your child currently doing something they truly want to do? How do they really feel about it?
By regularly checking in and thinking things through together, you can help choose how to spend time in a way that truly supports your child’s happiness and growth.
Written by: Risa Soya
Editor-in-Chief of FQ Kids, a well-being education magazine that nurtures non-cognitive skills. Studied various educational approaches at Keio University's Faculty of Policy Management. After working at Recruit, founded the NPO "Ikihagu" with the theme of "nurturing the power to live." Has visited and interviewed over 100 schools and preschools across Japan. Works as an educational researcher specializing in fostering non-cognitive skills, engaging in editing, writing, and lecturing on diverse education methods.
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